Your (Mostly) Stress-Free Guide to Hosting an Unforgettable Dinner Party

To so many of us, the proverbial dinner party exists as a flawlessly executed affair, our minds full of images of vintage holiday soirées or gatherings at the most impressive house on the block. Don’t worry—this is not that. This isn’t a 1950s guide to being the perfect host, it’s about embracing connection and setting yourself up for an evening to remember, without stress or perfectionism.

As basic as it may seem, welcoming people into your home and sharing food you’ve made with them is one of the easiest ways to strengthen friendships and community—two of the most essential building blocks of mental health.

Some of it might be obvious: find a recipe, do your grocery shopping, text your friends, but you might be surprised how many little stressors add up when you’re planning a big event. 

What if I forget that two of my friends are gluten-intolerant, and then I overcook the lasagna and suddenly I’m anxiety spiraling because my reputation as a host is damaged for good?

We all think in extremes like this, especially the perfectionistic people-pleasers among us (read: me) but what we have to remember is that people are far more forgiving and compassionate than we give them credit for. So we need to try and be a little more compassionate towards ourselves as well.

“Remember that your friends, ultimately, will just be happy to spend time with you,” reminds Hannah Owens, LMSW. “You are sure to be harder on yourself than your friends ever would be!”

In this article I’m going to answer, to the best of my ability and with the help of some esteemed experts, all your questions about throwing a dinner party when you’re dealing with anxiety.

What Should I Cook?

Whether you’re a seasoned hobby chef or are only trusted to mash the potatoes on Thanksgiving, there are plenty of options for your dinner party. The trick is to pick something low-stress enough that you enjoy the process—preparing the meal for your friends is a big part of what makes hosting fun.

If you’re reading this guide, I won’t assume you’re a bad cook, but maybe you aren’t the most confident when it comes to cooking for a bunch of people. This is one of the most anxiety-inducing aspects of throwing a party because we feel the food we present is a reflection of ourselves. In some ways it is, but its not the food itself as much as the intentionality that went into it.

Your level of culinary expertise won’t prevent you from impressing your friends, as long as you don’t forget to ask if people have any allergies or food restrictions!

Cook What You Know

The first step is picking a recipe you’re already comfortable with. Margaret Eby, Food Editor and author of You Gotta Eat says, “The best advice about cooking for a dinner party I have ever received—and honestly have violated several times to my own peril—is to make something you already know how to make. Now is not the time to try out a dozen new recipes. Cook something you’re totally comfortable with. Even if to you it’s something you make all the time, I promise it won’t be something your guests are tired of eating.”

That might be grandma’s famous bolognese sauce, a simple but delicious roast chicken, or even your favorite Trader Joe’s raviolis with your signature Caesar salad!

Chadwick Boyd, television personality and esteemed dinner party host shares his tips, “For any meal when entertaining, I believe you need something fresh and crunchy. So, making a very simple salad with bright leafy greens is ideal. You can easily use a bag of wild arugula, too. Just use two of them instead of one. The quantity fluffed up and tossed in a great vinaigrette in a beautiful bowl is stunning.”

He also sings the praises of an easy homemade vinaigrette, “all it takes is four ingredients shaken in a little jar, and it makes you feel so successful because you made it yourself. When you shake a homemade dressing in front of your guests and pour it over the salad and toss, your guests will be impressed and feel cared for.

Prep, Prep, Prep

Another great way to cut down on cooking anxiety: If it’s possible, make something that has at least a few components that you can prepare in advance. At a dinner party, you want to be able to hang out with your friends, and not be cooped up by the stove the whole time.

“So many dishes reheat beautifully—my personal favorite is lasagna, or a big pot of chana masala—leaving you to throw together a salad and look effortless while greeting your guests. Restaurants prep in advance as a rule! It’s not cheating to make something that you can have simmering at the ready when guests arrive,” says Eby.

Encourage Group Participation

“Also: let people help! If your guests ask what to bring, assign them a task, like a nice loaf of crusty bread, or a gluten-free dessert, or a bottle of wine. It’ll take some pressure off you, and it give that person a little job to execute. No one wants to come to a dinner party empty-handed!” says Eby.

There’s always a funny psychological paradox that happens in these situations because we worry about asking our guests to do too much when we think they should be relaxing and enjoying the party, when in reality people love to feel helpful, so if you’re someone who gets anxious about that, this is a good time to get over it. 

“I guarantee your friends don’t want to see you slaving away in the kitchen for them all night,” says Owens. “They want to spend time with you and help you—so don’t be afraid to ask.”

If You’re Worried About the Cost

If you’re worried about it costing a lot of money to feed multiple people, you have a couple of options. You may consider asking people to Venmo you $10-15 to pitch in. This has become widely accepted as everyone knows the cost of food is astronomical these days. If that makes you uncomfortable or anxious, you can also ask guests to bring something like wine or dessert.

You might also choose to cook foods that are in season because they’re cheaper, or you could make the event more of a full fledged potluck and only commit to making the main dish while your guests help fill out the menu. The food is important to a dinner party, but bringing people together is what we’re emphasizing here. 

If You’re Feeling Nervous About Inviting People

I’m worried I don’t have enough friends. I don’t think people like me enough to come over. Everyone probably has other events to go to that night, why even bother?

Statements like these probably play over and over in your head when planning a gathering, it’s totally normal! But you shouldn’t let that little anxiety gremlin on your shoulder stop you from having a good time. Trust me, anyone you invite will be thrilled to attend your dinner party, and even if they genuinely are busy they’ll surely remember the kind gesture you extended.

“Quality is what’s important here, not quantity,” says Owens. “Even if only a few friends are able to make it, that just means you can give each of them more individual attention, instead of having to juggle interacting with a whole bunch of people. That’s the bright side to a smaller party!”

Another idea—If you’re worried about who to invite you can also tell your friends to bring a friend they think you’d get along with. So if you feel like you only have 3 close friends to invite, that easily becomes a party of 6 or 8 depending on if they bring their partners as well.

If You’re Nervous What People Will Think of Your Home 

It sincerely doesn’t matter how big or small or fancy your apartment is, what people will remember is the intentionality people feel within your space. This is your chance to showcase your personal touches by lighting the nice candles and bringing out the vintage tablecloth you haven’t used, like, ever.

Eby continues, “But think about it: When was the last time you went to a friend’s house and were offended because they had a throw pillow askew? People are just happy to be there, and everyone is a human being who works and lives within a confined space. I used to make it a rule to have a house party at my tiny NYC apartment once a year, as a sort of exposure therapy. No one cares about the imperfections that you see in your home, I promise. It’s a nice reminder that we all live in different ways, and none of them are wrong.”

Another secret mental health benefit to inviting people your house is that it can really motivate you to do that big clean you’ve been putting off. You tell yourself you’re tidying up for your guests but, long-term, you’ll get a lot more out of it than they will.

What to Talk About When You Don’t Know What to Talk About

The nice thing about dinner parties is there is less room for the sort of small talk drudgery you’re likely to encounter at the office holiday party or your brother’s girlfriend’s birthday party. But there’s always a chance you only know the host of the party or get seated next to someone you genuinely feel you have nothing in common with. Don’t let this throw you into a panic that the whole evening will be awkward.

“A great way to break the ice with anyone, whether they’re old friends or new ones, is to ask a lot of questions,” suggests Owens. “Open-ended questions are best. You could ask, ‘What’s something you’re doing at work right now?’ or ‘What hobbies have you been into lately?’ You could even ask everyone to tell the group what their favorite TV show is right now and why—that’s a great way to encourage discussion and get everyone involved.”

Winding Down the Evening

One of my favorite parts of any dinner party is the meandering hour (or hours!) after the food has been consumed where everyone lingers around the table, happy, full, and sometimes tipsy—it’s where some of the best conversations and connections occur.

Even if there are a million dishes in the sink and wine stains soaking into your favorite tablecloth, lean into these moments and don’t rush to the end of the evening. Let those memories of laughter and honesty really soak in.

And when the time to start cleaning does finally arrive, don’t shy away from assistance. Hosting a party can make you feel like you’re supposed to do everything, but, “Your friends definitely don’t want to just sit there while you clean up around them,” assures Owens. “That would actually make most people feel uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to ask someone to help you clear the table or do some of the dishes. And it doesn’t have to be a big thing—just casually saying, ‘Hey, could you grab that for me?’ lets people know how they can help.”